A little poem

Woke up some day a little less broken
The time had come for me to be safe
The fog had made way for fields shining golden
The sun had decided that this time he'd stay

My stars were colliding and rearranging
To make way for fortune that'd carry me home
Demonic smiles decorated the hallway
But they could no longer hurt me
Because now I feel whole

Sparkling lights light up my sky
I see a millions miles from here with the naked eye
I dreamed to big for one so small
But I found something to break my fall
I'll fly
No longer scared to try my wings
I'll cry
Of happiness with tears of joy
I'll try
To be my best at every point
All on my own terms,
I feel as whole

Love,
Anouk

Just keep swimming

I can relate to Dory (from Finding Nemo). I'm such a chaotic individual most of the time..

On that note, I moved out!
Whoop! Moving on, first time out of the parental home and on my own two, maybe somewhat unstable and unsure, feet!

Is this a scary thing? Kind of, but also the most logical step after wanting to move on at the age of 22. My parents did their job raising me, I'm independent enough to make it on my own and for the moments that I'm not, my parents are just a phone call away.
Awesome.

I moved out this weekend, and I never really handle those situations well. I know why, I don't plan ahead far enough. This time I really tried, but somehow I always forget to arrange and organize half the stuff that is really necessary. Like I do all the time, every time. It's like I miss a certain skill, you might know it as: 'Preparation'. It's never been a strength of mine, and I thought that was my own doing.
For example, I never prepared anything in advance. Unless if one hour or the night before count as such.
So when I finally started to try and turn this around into me becoming a well behaving and fully functioning human being - it did not get better. Maybe somewhat better, but somehow everyone around me knows things and comes up with scenario's naturally and I just stand there in awe.
Planning is just not my thing, I'd rather just go with it.

And so I did. Thankfully the whole moving thing didn't turn out to be a disaster, it was just very exhausting. But I'm alive and kicking, so it couldn't have been that bad.

I'm writing this from the same bed that I mostly write from, only in a different city, in a different room. One step closer to my imagined home city of Amsterdam.
I haven´t really had the time to sit back and enjoy my new surroundings, I´ve been in the shop working non-stop, but a day from now I'll have my first day off in this new home of mine. I can't wait to drink my coffee and relax!

With my amazing daddy, painting and fixing my room!

and myself..

First meal: a very simple (GF) pasta with wine. Nothing much,

but it filled our bellies right up after a day of vigorous cleaning.

Celebrating moving out with my friends ♥

Gingy moved out with me and behind me proof of my love for lights..

 I surely have got my priorities straight.

This little fella welcomed me home. Butterflies represent change, accurate or what?

Love,

Anouk

Never look back

No really, do not scroll down on your facebook feed.
Because unless if you were totally fucking awesome as a teen, it's a trip down memory lane you might want to avoid taking.

Embarrassment comes to mind. Trying to find out what to post, therefore posting useless things. Your memories of Facebook on your birthday, how many people took the time to congratulate you? Ah, that's too bad.
Oh come on, you really feel a teeny tiny sting when you get only 40 birthday wishes out of 250 'friends'.

Yeah, your online popularity can make you feel great and really sad. Which, to be honest, is kind of stupid.
Why would we be happier if someone took the time to hit 'like' on their spare moment? Or if they wished you a happy birthday because they simply saw it was that day, and why the hell not wish you a happy day.

Now of course I used to let this determine or have an influence on my mood, I was socially needy not to long ago. But as I'm getting older, preferably also wiser, I'm hopping towards 'actual contact with real life friends' rather then 'sporadic notifications of virtual beings you once met in person'.
They're simply not worth the mood swings.

So a little note to self:
Most of us share highs because lows are simply better to keep for yourself. Do not compare your entire being with others happy and beautiful moments, instead try to enjoy your own to the fullest.

You know it's a good party when you forget to grab your phone to share with the online community :)

So on that note,
I'm giving my second radio interview today! Also, I will be having my first rehearsal with the orchestra I will be performing with in January.
And I'll be busy repainting the organic supermarket I work at for the other hours of the day, to put things in perspective.

Love,
Anouk

To us aunties and uncles

Please raise your hand if one of your siblings reproduced.

Congratulations, you're screwed.

Or it might be just me. My sister gave birth to a wonderful little, squirmy thing less then two weeks ago and I am head over heels in love with the little fella. He's just so incredibly beautiful and somehow recognising my sisters features in his face makes him so familiar! I didn't even know him 12 days ago!

Weird how that works, taking a new person up in the family. It's as if he's always been a part of it.

But yeah, I'm screwed. I'll do anything for the kid, and as I am his aunt and not his mother I can spoil him to the point where he becomes a brat about it!
I won't of course, but I could..

Little Jamie, you're the most beautiful little creature in the world. I couldn't be more proud of your mommy and daddy!

Love,
auntie Anouk

Incoherent as fuck

My mind that is.

But things are falling into place. With my eating disorder finally mostly out of the way - I can actually eat my guilty pleasures in front of others while enjoying them, big step! - it seems to me that my life is taking a more productive form.
Or it might be just me accepting offers instead of declining them all the time.

Anyhoe, I'm fucking busy 24/7 and loving it!

Projects are coming closer and although I still have a million and one plans, somehow it seems as though these things will actually happen for a change. Because, you know, I'm actually doing stuff. Very important.

Some people seem to have it all figured out from the get go, clearly I'm not one of those people. I'm more an example of how anyone can become something as long as they are willing to work for it. I haven't had anything thrown at me but harsh criticism and rejections, yet I'm still standing and not giving up.
I believe in myself and that I can become the best version of myself if I keep on fighting to become that.

The fact that I am far from perfect makes it quite hard at times, but nothing has to stop you if you won't let it.

I was the only thing standing in my way, got rid of that.
No one will hire me because I'm never the type they're looking for, well one day I'll be the only one they were looking for.

You make your own succes, I'm very certain of that. Remember to be true to yourself and kind to others, life will happen anyways.

Needed to get that off my chest I guess :) Happy Sunday!

Love,
Anouk

MOVING OUT

Bonjour!

It. Is. Happening.

Moving house! Away from le hometown to the not so big city next to the real big city - Zaandam.
Which is next to Amsterdam > the real big city I was referring to.

Yeah, so that is happening and with all the extra hours at work and the fact that I recently got to picking up on my to do list for 2014 a.k.a. dating at least once, which turned into twice und so weiter, makes that I haven't had or taken the time to sit down and write.
I guess my head wasn't in it either. But I am back! And with exciting news.

I've been telling you over and over that things are starting to look up for me! But now I actually got proof.

First off - tomorrow. Looking for some new stuff to put in my house, always fun. Then - Saturday. I'm helping out a friend with her school project which involves musical. In fact, the project is a musical. And I finally get to be in on the making and creating side again a.k.a. telling people what to do. And I'm the oldest, so I have the power. Fun.
Third - another theatre based project involving Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliette, again on the creative team.
2015 - purrforming 😻 again with the orchestra. 3 songs. Fuck yeah.

And last but not least, as I am gaining confidence and since I decided that in order for me to really be able to sell myself to a point where I can benefit from it, I will try to keep you posted throughout my journey with posts, photos and videos! Because this shit might be fun.

I think this is it for now.

Love with sniffles,
Anouk