Getting out of bed.

In a MINUTE!

I want coffee.

I solemnly swear..

So, here we go. I have an eating disorder.

There, it's out.

I'm currently being treated for it and things are really getting better! Except for those days where there is no control or things didn't go as planned. Two days in a row things haven't been going as planned as at it turns out, I can't really handle those situations yet. It can be pretty tough trying to beat this nasty habbit and way of thinking, but I am more then certain that I will overcome this stupid thing.

I've been sharing my problem and as it turns out there are so many other people facing the exact same problem! And to be honest, I'm not surprised. There is a daily pressure to look good and eat healthy, but you're also being seduced to buy that sugary treat on your way to work and on the way back home. I sometimes feel as though they (the people who make the commercials) try to mold our way of seeing ourselves.

'You think you are beautiful and don't need to lose weight? Think again! You can try to become an even better version of yourself!'

I used to believe that and beat myself up for every bag of chocolates, cookies, bucket of ice cream that I ate. And of course, one does not need to eat an entire bag of m&m's in one sitting, that's just not so good for the stomach. But if I wanted to, and I gained a pound after eating more on a daily basis - then how I feel about myself is important, not what others might think of my more voluptuous body. I am exaggerating, obviously, but that is what I think these days.
Other people are not allowed to make you feel a certain way about yourself. If you are happy with how you look, then that is the most perfect version of yourself.
If you are happy with who you are, then you don't have to change your inner self for anyone.
If you're unhappy with how you look or who you are then change for yourself, never for others. You are the only one who is going to be there 24/7, make liking yourself a priority! Others will follow if you follow your heart and be true to who you are naturally.

In my case, I was getting a little overweight as a teen and this didn't feel like me. I had low self-esteem issues and instead of asking for help, I held my head up high and turned to food. This made my relationship with food very hard and unhealthy. I love food, as a foodie I have to :) but it wasn't until this year that I started liking it again.
I've been through all the stages, I've followed several diets - which naturally didn't do anything for me but make me more anxious to lose weight - I've started exercising to tone my body, I've read all there is to read on healthy foods, low fat diets, sugarfree eating, high protein  diets, muscle toning, bowel stimulants, basically everything that would make my outer self look like the picture in the magazine.

Doing this broke me up on the inside because it didn’t fix my low self-esteem, it didn’t fix my urge to turn to food whenever emotions were getting to high. Luckily, after a while I started to get fed up with feeling bad about myself. I set the bars so high that I couldn't live up to my own expectations! This is when I finally went to my parents and came clean about wanting and needing help.

I always thought that asking for help and letting people know you're not perfect was a weakness, now I know that it takes courages for one to open up about personal troubles and to admit that they can't do it alone. There is no measure for what strength is or what courage means. We are all individuals with our own capabilities. My strength is different then yours, that doesn't make my strength any less strong - it just makes it different.

My end note here is, dare to be who you are. Let your inner self shine through your outer, because that is what makes us beautiful - accepting and being who you are.

Love,
Anouk

The thing about love..

Now, I will not be getting into details as everyone can read this, but good gracious me, total mindfuck.

How does a perfectly functioning human being turn into a mumbling fool? Very easy, put this human being in front of someone they like and stuff starts happening. I mean, I try, I really do - to act like my usual, charming, witty self - but that part of me doesn't really like to show up to the occasion when I try to impress someone with who I am. Nope. The other part of me, the giggly, clumsy, mumbly part of me is always on time though.

Just, fuck I guess.

I've been working on my self esteem, successfully I might add, and ever since I've been having more and more conversations with the male version of the human race. Flirty conversations, not just conversations, I felt the need to clarify. But with that came tons of those very occasions were I just don't function normally. When I don't really like the guy, flirting comes easily. We smile, some smalltalk, some teasing - no problem. But. Big big big but, when I LIKE the guy.. my rising self esteem has done nothing for those occasions. Sadly.
Why are we always so self aware when we're trying to impress people? 'Did I smile cute enough? Do I look crazy, have I been staring to intensely? Should I focus on his other eye, he touched me! Did I react okay, won't he feel turned down because I didn't touch him back immediately?' Und so weiter, und so weiter. It makes dating unnecessarily hard which makes sticking to my yearly goals unnecessarily hard! One of those was to go on an actual date, but we've reached month 8 and no date has had place between me and a male kind of our species.
Am I failing? Will I fail to complete my list of new years resolutions?

No. I refuse to fail.

So, how about that cup a joe?

Love,
Anouk

Busy!

Aw yeah, things are happening right now!  Currently on my way to my first ever movie project! All voluntary, nevertheless incredibly awesome! I'll post about it later.

Also, writing challenge! I've been working on a book for quite some time now and I've decided to incorporate some story lines of my book into my challenge. The actual book might be my next challenge.

I'll keep you posted as I love love love to write my blog, so if you've liked it so far be sure to come back later this week!

Thank you so much for reading and see you soon. For now, let's start shooting that movie!

Love,
Anouk

On set! See the stain on my shirt? Yeah, that was my leaking sippy cup from Starbucks..
(On the stripes)

When it happened.

Lots and lots of water came down from heaven that morning, it was like a freaking monsoon!

Amsterdam, I love the!

Yeah, I kinda assumed this would happen. Story #2 of my writing challenge isn't going to happen before tomorrow. Bus driver, move that deadline! Hopefully next Thursday, although next week will also be quite hectic. We shall see.
I'm house sitting in Amsterdam this week and between working and enjoying the city and being on my own, I haven't found the time to just sit back and write. Not anything but small updates at least.

I did manage to fuck up uncorking a wine bottle. And to be a total dork on the bike today. In my defense, I'm used to having breaks at the handles! Not the paddles. And maybe a long skirt wasn't the best choice either.. :)
In the end I found what I was looking for - thank you google maps navigation - which was a gluten free store which just opened a few months ago - de Glutenvrije winkel   (the Gluten Free shop). Amazing for those who get sick from gluten! Like myself!
And a store that makes it a true outing to hunt for sweets - Candyfreaks! They have a whole wall filled with candy! And if that didn't make it heaven already, it's all organic and there's a wide variety of gluten free, lactose free, sugar free candy! Again, heaven for those with allergies!

Both stores had amazingly nice people, very helpful and informative. I always like to share knowledge on food and apparently so did they!

And now we're on the topic of food, I made a lovely new original recipe! Dinner this time. Very simple, as the kitchen here is quite small and under equipped - baked sweet potato fries with zucchini, paprika and passata. Baked in organic extra virgin olive oil and some red palm oil, seasoned with salt, pepper and some garlic. It was delicious.

Night night for now, my alarm is going to wake me very early for work tomorrow.

Love,
Anouk

P.S. I love to take pictures, so here are some I made today :) My day in pixels if you will.

Besides cats, I now also have to take care of Jim Hopper. He's taken over the care of the Basil. I just let him do his thing. 

Gluten Free festivities!

It really says so - De Koekjesbrug. (The Cookiebridge)

YUM!

A true candyfreak with her haul. The chocolate, as you can see, didn't make the night. 

That perfect illusion

It might be Carrie, but I thought it was time for a little sharing of the thoughts.

Perfection. We all want it, we're all searching for it but at the same time trying to obtain it drives us crazy. Some more than others, true, but most of us are troubled by the picture perfect lifestyle we never seem to have.
Open up a magazine and someone in it has a better, more beautiful and more eventful life then you. Open youtube, facebook, twitter, instagram, tumblr, online magazines, you name it! All the same.

We like to make life seem more beautiful than it is, we like to edit out the rough and tough buts and show of the excitement, the celebration and all fortunate happenings.
But that's not life - mostly it's just not pretty.

We all have these nights where we just can't sleep, we all have these days where we just can't stop eating, we all have these days when zits just pop up and we have days similar to these where being human just isn't pretty or easy.
But is this a reason to feel down? Is this a reason to think less of yourself? No, it is not. It might be a reason to be incredibly tyrd And I hope most of you will think that it is crazy to think that way, that it is crazy to let imperfection be the thing that gets you down! Because it is, but sometimes you simply can't see that.

So for everyone out there who is somehow trying to be perfect - be it in weight, bodyshape, personality, work, friends - I ask you to let it go. Be human, have fun with the fact that you are not perfect! It's what bonds us all together and it makes life so much more enjoyable! Or that is at least the case for me :) More on that later on. 

I salute you with my glass of organic Sauvignon Blanc - the best - cheers!

Love,
Anouk

Oh cork off.

Me and wine - good combination.
Me and a Sauvignon blanc? Even better.
Me and an organic Sauvignon? Jackpot.

To bad the bottle had a cork. Because me and a cork? Let's not go there.

Check out the video here