Now, I will not be getting into details as everyone can read this, but good gracious me, total mindfuck.
How does a perfectly functioning human being turn into a mumbling fool? Very easy, put this human being in front of someone they like and stuff starts happening. I mean, I try, I really do - to act like my usual, charming, witty self - but that part of me doesn't really like to show up to the occasion when I try to impress someone with who I am. Nope. The other part of me, the giggly, clumsy, mumbly part of me is always on time though.
Just, fuck I guess.
I've been working on my self esteem, successfully I might add, and ever since I've been having more and more conversations with the male version of the human race. Flirty conversations, not just conversations, I felt the need to clarify. But with that came tons of those very occasions were I just don't function normally. When I don't really like the guy, flirting comes easily. We smile, some smalltalk, some teasing - no problem. But. Big big big but, when I LIKE the guy.. my rising self esteem has done nothing for those occasions. Sadly.
Why are we always so self aware when we're trying to impress people? 'Did I smile cute enough? Do I look crazy, have I been staring to intensely? Should I focus on his other eye, he touched me! Did I react okay, won't he feel turned down because I didn't touch him back immediately?' Und so weiter, und so weiter. It makes dating unnecessarily hard which makes sticking to my yearly goals unnecessarily hard! One of those was to go on an actual date, but we've reached month 8 and no date has had place between me and a male kind of our species.
Am I failing? Will I fail to complete my list of new years resolutions?
No. I refuse to fail.
So, how about that cup a joe?
Love,
Anouk
