Marty, may I borrow your time machine?

Currently cleaning out my parents external hard drive, because I got to give it back sooner or later.. :P and I stumbled upon some old pictures.

Now if you've read my blog before you might recall I had some issues with the way I look growing up. It's moments like these when I'm reminded to how I used to feel. And though I wish I could have had more fun while on Crete in 2007, not even bothering to think about what I could and shouldn't eat and constantly aware of every inch of my body and how it showed, I'm all the happier for it now.

I won't say that I don't regret it, I do. I regret every moment that I was so self involved I didn't even see how kind, sweet and considering the people around me were. I pushed so many of them away due to my personal struggles.
It's a slow process, growing in to loving the body you were given. I decided that I was fed up with feeling sorry for myself one day and things have been looking up even since.

All I know is that the moment I started accepting every little thing about myself, my personality, my preferences, my shortcomings, my talents, my body, the fact that I have to wear glasses because my eyes are simply to dry for lenses, my not so party animal inner grandma who loves tea and movies on any given evening, that is when I started to 'heal', if you will.

Not that I was ever broken, I was just a bit lost :)

I'd like to be able to help others, to inspire, but I guess I'm not there yet. I just started to enjoy life myself! It feels like I missed out on the opportunity to find out who I am during puberty, so I'm just doing that now.

On that note, I just got my nose pierced. Wanted to do that since I was 15, now - 3 months away from 23 - I finally went and got one.

I guess the point behind this post is - it's never too late to start living your life the way you want to. Opportunities might be lost, but new ones will come. Doors may slam closed in your face, but windows can open, the whole cliche list of things to-keep-you-going-when-you're-down, it's true!

All you have to do is stop wining, and start moving!

I often ask myself 'but how?', don't think so much about doing things. Just go out and do them.

The body and time of le issues

 
And this is me with my lovely new addition. And happy and stuff. 

So yeah, that.

Love,
Anouk

Schmalentines

Here we go again.

Valentines day! The it's-not-really-a-holiday-but-February-didn't-have-that-much-going-for-it-so-let's-fake-it-is-a-holiday holiday.

I find it rather odd to devote a day to love. Why just one? Isn't love something that should be celebrated throughout the year?

A little poem:

The secret love to shy to show
The love that needs some time to grow
The love that happened, exciting and new
The love that ended, but remains to be true
The love that endured through time and space
The love that survived life with grace
The love for loved ones, young and old
The love so extreme it can only be bold
The love so true it cannot hide
The love so pure, it was there on first sight
The love so innocent it's easily torn

Those are the loves that life has worn

But if you're happy with heart shaped candles, -chocolates, -pillows and -picture frames then by all means, celebrate the 14th of February as Hallmark intended it.

I sound a bit bitter, don't I?

Maybe I just need a valentine. Or free chocolate.

Love,
Anouk

A little extra info: I'm a bit of a astrology geek - I even have a tattoo of my combined zodiac signs - and my western zodiac sign is under influence of Venus, who is displayed above. I should be a sucker for love. I guess I am, just not when it comes in the form of anything valentines day related :)

Best show ever

This. Was. So. AWESOME!

Omg, I'm still on a high from yesterday. Now I know I shouldn't measure my happiness on the amount of likes I get on Facebook or instagram, but I do it a little anyways and it's fun. So much love :) But more importantly, the people who came to see me yesterday. Big big thanks to my ever present family and friends.

So what did I do? I was on stage. With am orchestra. And it was grand.

I got carried up the stage in a chair, performed 'The Girl in 14g', had a successful quick change and came back all Elsa like to sing 'Let it Go' and after that I sang a duet with the lovely Ron Link, former  mr. Tarzan in the Disney Musical. 

The show is an annual thing the orchestra does, and because I won their talent show last year I got to participate in this one. Also, this might not have been our last show together, but nothing is set in stone - this is also some wishful thinking :)

As I'm at a loss for any other words I'll just share some pictures. 

Love,
Anouk

Pre-performance jibbers

MY FACE WAS IN THE NEWSPAPER!

Like real big. With a story and everything.

So much fun, so last year I won this talent show and ever since things have been happening. Fun things. I've been given opportunities and I didn't turn them down. So that brings me here, where I am about to be one day away from my biggest performance so far. Again with the orchestra of the talent show I was referring to, but this time my name is on the poster, my face is in the newspaper and my ass will be on stage! For three whole songs. Fuck yeah.

Exciting things.

I'm singing 'The Girl in 14g' since that became sort of 'my song'. I know, I know, it was written for Kristen Chenoweth. Still, my song.
I will also be a Disney Princess about which I am beyond happy, I'll be singing 'Let it Go' in a freaking gown that will drop jaws. I hope. And I'll end it with a duet, 'Vivo per Lei'. Aw yes, going out with an Italian bang.

So that and my book are the only things on my mind right now! And my slightly soar throat which got my panties in a twist. Please, just wait a few days, Sunday you can be sick all you want!

Bye! *waving happily*

Love,
Anouk

Cupids orders

I can act like I'm this sober, realistic girl who stands strongly on het own two feet but in the end I'm a hopeless romantic and a fan of the old ways.

Handwritten letters, serenades, long walks anywhere, holding hands - romance as cupid invented it.

I don't like romance the way hallmark invented it. Chocolates, roses, cards, candles - anything that can be bought.

Love comes from the heart and the heart can't buy you shit.
It can give though, it can give the most amazing things.

So with my love for writing, romance and love letters, I thought I'd give it a go.

So here we go.

You happen to be my muse
You happen to awaken my drive
You happen to be there when I need you
You happen to ask the right things
You happen to make me feel safe
You happen to hold me just right
You happen to make me laugh
You happen to be there when I cry
You happen to listen to my wild ideas
You happen to infuse me with enthusiasm
You happened to be there at one point
You happen to remain there ever since
You happen to make me scared
You happen to be something I don't want to lose
You happen to be a man

I happen to be a woman.

Can we happen?

Love,
Anouk

Paleo challenge

Fuck I'm hungry.

The paleo challenge. I thought it would be fun, eating like a caveman and all. And since I eat gluten free anyways it seemed like an easy thing to do.

Turns out, 2 days in, this might not be the thing for me.
I like carbs. I like sugary things. I love chocolate and I indulge in dairy foods whenever I can. None of the above are aloud when on the paleo diet. Add to that a restriction on quinoa, rice and oats and I'm at a loss for recipes. Oh, and beans. No beans whatsoever because the nutritional value doesn't out way the amount of carbs - something like that.

That leaves me questioning, WHY?! So I started to do some research.

Why? Because according to the paleo peeps our bodies aren't up to speed. They still linger in the time where we were hunters and gatherers, on our feet  in search for food and shelter 24/7. Or at least our metabolism is. So all these grainy, dairy, processed foods can't properly travel through our intestines, in fact they make our bodies upset.

Being an organic foods enthusiast I can relate to part of that. Refined sugar has been bleached therefore has lost all nutritional value and fibers that help your body digest it. Dairy turns into sugar in the body - very briefly put of course, the process is more complicated than this, I'll clarify another time - and as an adult you actually don't need it anymore. Ever seen a grown animal drink milk?

But does that really mean that we shouldn't be eating it? At all? If you stay away from heavily processed foods, shouldn't that be enough?

As for me, my sugar levels drop very quickly, I might need carbs to keep me going. Otherwise I'll simply faint due to a lack of energy. And carbs give me much more energy than protein.

So, to paleo or not to paleo? I'll keep it up for at least 14 days, I want to experience what it's like so I can talk about it on my blog. But I know for sure that after those 14 days, I will not become a palean. Might infuse it in my every day meals every now and then, but more like 40/60 than 20/80. (20% non paleo, 80% paleo - a guideline as to how often one is allowed to 'cheat' on the diet)

'Growllwlwlw'

That was my stomach, heavily protesting the amount of food it got today - not enough.

Paleo, it's on.
Wish me luck.

Love,
Anouk

I'm scared is all

Old bad habits started creeping up on me today. Very understandable, because I was mostly afraid to fail when they came to me before and with this new year I decided - and succeeded - to be more active on the stage. But with that comes the opportunity to fail miserably.

I'm more scared to follow this path than any other I ever started because this is the one where I follow my heart, this is the one that I want to become successful, this is the one I would like to stay on for a little while.
This is the one where I do give a fuck.

My approach to something I want badly, therefore don't want to screw up, is make sure I sort of screw up before hand so I'll fail more easily.
Yeah, I don't get it either. It's a hit and run tactic I assume.

But as I decided to actually try to become something or someone, my approach has also changed somewhat.
I face my fears scared shitless these days. It ain't fun but it builds character. Or something like that.

So. That.

I'll stop procrastinating and get on with what I'm actually supposed to be doing right now. Preparing for my rehearsal with the orchestra and half our of singing at the Amsterdam Light festival. Which both will take place in less than 24 hours.

Wish me luck :)

Love,
Anouk

Eat. Sleep. Work.. repeat.

And we started counting from 1 again. 365 days have gone by, a lot has changed - luckily - and now 2015 gets to give it a go, it can try to become awesome. And fruitful, joyful, lovely, you get the picture.
And that's when the fun starts.

You've got the power. What is this year going to do for you? Are you starting college, a new job, new relationships, getting serious with a hobby? 
Anything is possible as long as you are willing to try and work hard for it.

I'd like to believe that there is such a thing as fate, it has a nice ring to it, but even though I sometimes search for signs I do not truly believe that your life is mapped out for you from the moment that you were born. It seems like to big a thing to be true, we are just animals who stand up straight in the end.

Don't let the fear of a dodgy fate hold you back from living in the moment, when there's no meant to be you are free to do as your heart desires ;)

I gave to many fucks to people who didn't deserve them and in the end it left me lonely, miserable and tired. And that by doing things for people I didn’t even care about!

Waste your time wisely and with those whom you love. Time well spent isn't wasted, it's won. Make sure you spent it on your terms!

I learned to let go. I always held myself back to make sure nothing bad would happen, and it didn't. Nor did anything good.
Life is so much more fun when you choose to be strong enough to participate!

I guess all saying is, turn back inside for a while and rediscover who you really are. Not 'what might be expected from me' but 'what drives me, what do I like, what do I think'.
You are the only one who is by your side 24/7, which is much more en durable if you like who you are.

Best wishes for this new year, hope it will be all you hope it to be!

Love,
Anouk