What to do with life?

So.

Here we are. On this planet we call home.
We're born, we grow up, we learn how to behave in our social environment. We learn which things are celebrated and which are frowned upon. We learn a language, we receive education, we get acquainted with new people, we make friends, we grow up and realize that certain things are expected of us. We aim to please, we get an opinion, we rebel somewhat, find our inner voices and either act on what they tell us or neglect them to fit in.

This of course is life in a nutshell and as you might have noticed, much of what makes a life a life is missing even in this very short story of how to act like a proper human. This is because I don't know half of how to be a proper human. I only know what I learned up until this point and whatever comes naturally to the person that is me.
Add to that that I've been incredibly self centered for most of my life and I know even less about life in general. Because we live our lives together whether we like it or not. We need one another.

Firstly to be born, where would we be without our parents? Literally not even existing.
Second, our teachers. We need others to give us new ways of viewing things, to learn that there are more ways than just the one we already know.
And third, the people we share our spare time with. Our friends, family, acquaintances, lovers. They make us feel appreciated, loved or eager to learn and improve ourselfs.

So.

To get to the point here.

All my life I've been given things. Advice, lessons, love, experiences, laughter. All things that people gave me simply because I was there with them.
And in my opinion I haven't been giving back enough. I've been so busy with not showing my weaknesses, fears and doubts that I've been hiding most of my life. I haven't been sharing my time with the people who gave me theirs.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this year, I make goals for the end of each year.

I added one. To be kind to others and to give them time if needed. I will listen, I will give, I will receive, I will entertain, I will love, I will laugh, I will open up and I will watch.

It is a game of give and take and after many years of fearing it I will now take part in it.

Life. And such.

Let the games begin. (May the odds be ever in my favor)

Love,
Anouk

In the spirit of giving back: this was one of the most awesome gifts I ever gave. My friends husband put together a weekend with friends for this lovelies 21st birthday and I got a few on board with my crazy plan of letting up balloons!
It was magical to say the least :) Happy to still call this wonderful person my friend 'till this very day. <3

Food education should be a right, not a privilege

Everybody should know the basics of a healthy, nutritional diet. We do not all have to be chef's, we do not all have to eat organic, superfoods, dairy free, gluten free or take part in food related hypes, we have to be educated in how to keep our bodies healthy! You can help by simply signing and sharing this petition and message! 

Back to the old days

Where my body was exhausted, but my mind bewildered.

It is almost 12 am, tomorrow I have to work and later dance and then my weekend has begun. Which is totally fine, it's just.. I'm in bed, I'm tired, I want to sleep.
My body agrees, but my mind wonders off endlessly. Very annoying.

So I tried to meditate.
There is this thing where you try to put all your focus in your toes and from there you go up all the way to the top of your head very slowly. The idea is that you fall asleep half way through. I can't even start to focus on my big toe for 2 seconds, let alone get to the top of my head. My mind is extremely active right now.

And if it were important things then maybe that would be fine, it would serve some purpose. But it's utter nonsense. It's all about how I do my job and what food to buy or anything in that category. Those are not things I want to think about when lying in bed, ready to wonder off to the land of dreams.

I'd simply like it to calm the fuck down and be like a calm summer breeze. Sometimes like that.

On to attempt nr. two where I count backwards, three at a time from 300 to 0. Again, you're supposed to fall asleep half way through. I made it to 0 quite some times though.

:)

Trouble sleeping. Sometimes it's just part of the package deal I guess.

Love,
Anouk

Starbucks and it's barista's

There is this song about a certain someone who works behind a counter in a very popular coffee company.

His name is Taylor, he is very inspirational and he makes lattes at Starbucks.
This is his song.

I've got quite some performances coming up! Things are looking up and I couldn't be happier about it :D Yesterday I got to perform for a local cultural group who like to give a stage to local talent. Be it singers, writers, poets, you name it. Very awesome initiative and an awesome audience.

I didn't get to perform all the songs I prepared for them sadly, but still some are better then none.

Happy sunday!

Love,
Anouk

Outdoorsy

I was asked to be a model in an outdoorsy shoot - here are some pictures :)

Stop hiding

It's ok not to be perfect
It's ok not to know
It's ok not to for see what will happen
It's ok to change course when you learn

It might be ok to be scared
But I don't want to be

So serious every single time :P I guess that's just where I'm at.
I don't really want to talk about things that are about to happen, I'd much rather recapture what has happened. Which I will be doing very soon. A view performances coming up which I am very excited about and also life lessons being learned. 

So for now a note to self - don't be afraid to play the lead in your own story. It's yours to begin with. Be honest, be open, be vulnerable, be you. No matter how scary that may seem.

Love,
Anouk

Hmm.. just.. 'cause.. I don't know.

I haven't been writing here lately. Mostly because I have been writing on other things and because I've been getting really busy! But also because I wanted to try something else, to not talk about myself as much and try to be more observational for others.

But that's the thing, I've been writing about becoming who I am, being true to myself and I hoped to encourage others to do the same.
And then I try to change..

I'm just not sure I want to be talking about myself as much because being me is only very relatable for, well, me! So I've been trying to put things in other perspectives, to write about people in general more then just myself.

Point is, I've only just started living. I've been in hiding for the most part of my past. So I might have to keep up with sharing my own thoughts and tricks and not worry so much about how others might benefit from my mistakes or valuable lessons, that's all for you to decide anyways!

It's been an eye opener though, I was getting smug with my philosophical thoughts and ideas, thought I was figuring it out. It being life.
Turns out, so do most people my age. :) busted.

Reminder to self - you know nothing, only the things you've already learned. And even those things need to be handled with sceptical care. Always be curious as to why or how, never assume. Assumptions take away your ability to learn or see something new, something you yourself might have never guessed or thought of.

Always keep an open mind, let life take you by surprise!

Love,
Anouk

That really doesn't matter

Not in comparison to all the rest.

Being post eating disorder I still get very easily anxious when it comes down to food. Is it healthy, did I eat to much sugar, am I being a hypocrite for eating this way when telling others that I am very healthy?

No.

As a youngest child I had the privilege of being a careless youngster the longest. I was never fully responsible because I didn't want to be and when you're the youngest of three you find ways to get your way - as a child of course!
But now I'm 22, an auntie and done with school. I've been out in the big bad world for almost 2 years now and to be totally honest, I have never been so scared as I have been post graduation.
I simply can't hide behind my eating disorder anymore. I have been for a long time and it's all becoming clearer to me day be day as to how much I let fear be my guide.

For me the trigger is being afraid of losing control over myself and my life. Whenever something happens that I cannot possibly control I start to turn to food. It's how I dealt with confusion in the past. No clue? Sugar.
Last year was all about becoming a happier human being, to learn who I was and accept what I learnt.

This year I want to take that up a notch. I want to not be so involved with the 'self', I'd rather be among others and learn from them. I've met some pretty inspiring people so far and my life has never been this eventful ever. All I had to do was go out.
Now of course, I wouldn't have learnt the same things when I would have been like I was before but I'd like to believe that my true self was always there. Now I just found a way to let her out.

So, to get to the point here - it really doesn't matter where you're coming from in life. Those are lessons learned. What matters is where you want to go, and for that to happen nothing has to be perfect you only have to take that first step.

I always wanted to wait for the perfect moment, the perfect opportunity where I would be beautifully slim, the weather would be sunny and the people would be kind. But life doesn't work that way, it just works out the way it does. You can't control the moments that are going to change how you live your life, they pass you by when you least expect it!

To quote mr. Marley:
"Don't worry bout a thing
'Cause every little thing is gonna be all right"

as was he.
You only have to believe that you are strong enough to turn your wrongs into rights. And nothing is going to change who you are from within except experiences. No sugary treat will make you any less strong, no judgement of others, no failed test, no blank bank account.

None of those superficial things really matter when it comes down to living life.

That's it for now :)

Love,
Anouk