Being post eating disorder I still get very easily anxious when it comes down to food. Is it healthy, did I eat to much sugar, am I being a hypocrite for eating this way when telling others that I am very healthy?
No.
As a youngest child I had the privilege of being a careless youngster the longest. I was never fully responsible because I didn't want to be and when you're the youngest of three you find ways to get your way - as a child of course!
But now I'm 22, an auntie and done with school. I've been out in the big bad world for almost 2 years now and to be totally honest, I have never been so scared as I have been post graduation.
I simply can't hide behind my eating disorder anymore. I have been for a long time and it's all becoming clearer to me day be day as to how much I let fear be my guide.
For me the trigger is being afraid of losing control over myself and my life. Whenever something happens that I cannot possibly control I start to turn to food. It's how I dealt with confusion in the past. No clue? Sugar.
Last year was all about becoming a happier human being, to learn who I was and accept what I learnt.
This year I want to take that up a notch. I want to not be so involved with the 'self', I'd rather be among others and learn from them. I've met some pretty inspiring people so far and my life has never been this eventful ever. All I had to do was go out.
Now of course, I wouldn't have learnt the same things when I would have been like I was before but I'd like to believe that my true self was always there. Now I just found a way to let her out.
So, to get to the point here - it really doesn't matter where you're coming from in life. Those are lessons learned. What matters is where you want to go, and for that to happen nothing has to be perfect you only have to take that first step.
I always wanted to wait for the perfect moment, the perfect opportunity where I would be beautifully slim, the weather would be sunny and the people would be kind. But life doesn't work that way, it just works out the way it does. You can't control the moments that are going to change how you live your life, they pass you by when you least expect it!
To quote mr. Marley:
"Don't worry bout a thing
'Cause every little thing is gonna be all right"
as was he.
You only have to believe that you are strong enough to turn your wrongs into rights. And nothing is going to change who you are from within except experiences. No sugary treat will make you any less strong, no judgement of others, no failed test, no blank bank account.
None of those superficial things really matter when it comes down to living life.
That's it for now :)
Love,
Anouk
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