Resolutions >> Shmesolutions

I was never able to succeed in my new years resolutions, mostly they didn't even last 'till February! So last year I thought of something else, something new, an end of the year goal - or goals.

And I actually made them happen..

My goals for 2014 were:

• Dating - fun and done
• Going to at least 3 or 4 festivals - FANTASTIC! and done
• Living on my own by the end of 2014 - looking rather smug right now, 'cause done
• Becoming a happy person in general - :D also done

So I guess, looking back on the past year, it was a pretty good one. And all because I wanted it to be, the power of being determined to do something. You truly are responsible for your own happiness, very simply by not letting life get you down when things get tough. 

Now I thought I'd give it another go for 2015 since it worked like a charm.

So, my goals for the end of 2015:  

• Getting enough work on the stage to make a - or half a - living of it
• Get the blog I share with my sister - concerning facts about food - up and running
• Continue writing the stories I started this year and years ago

I couldn't wait for the new year to start and since my other goals are all accomplished I started right away. Not wasting any time on these new goals! 

To be honest, I'm scared as hell. This past year was all about coming out of my comfortable and safe cocoon, all in preparation for my new goals. Now shit actually has to happen.
But being scared is a good thing, that means it's something new, exciting and unknown.

I am ready for anything coming my way! :D

Hope you have an amazing new years eve and an even more amazing, exciting and fun 2015!

Cheers!

Love,
Anouk

Exactly what you want it to.

That was an answer, not a question. So what was the question?

I've been searching for a way to become a happy person this year. I always tried to live up to what I imagined were other peoples expectations. I tried to make everyone around me happy by becoming the perfect person. Skinny yet muscular, together but with humor, outspoken and respectful, a social butterfly with an overflowing calender and quick witted in any situation, liking the popular films, series, clothing styles, disliking impopular music, fandoms, etc.

To be honest, I'm quite fed up with living up to anyone's expectations but my own.
The above sums up what I imagined would give me that perfect life that I imagined as a child. Now bare with me, I was quite the dreamer - still am - but with this list of 'who to become to be successful in life' I made it pretty hard to become a happy human being.

We're not wired to be perfect. But what is perfection really? 
Social media is only a display of life's highlights, yet we act like it really is that fabulous, to really be human is frowned upon on social events - farting, burping, smelling, pooping even, the basics if you will - we have to be smart, earn a degree in something, we have to care about others and show that we do through making endless donations, we have to grow every year, be amazing homecooks, be cheerful, happy, kind, friendly, realistic, not to happy because that is not normal, we have to have a goal in life, we have to make something of it and preferably yesterday as you only live once so spend your time wisely and make every moment count!

I might be exaggerating, I'm willing to confess to that. But this is only part of the messed up message the current day media is making us swallow.
And I'm not taking it anymore.

As this year was all about becoming a happier person, I choose to leave everything that is not my own opinion behind me and start exploring the world from my point of view.
What do I believe to be true? What do I expect from life?
In the end it's quite a meaningless thing, my life in general. I'm just one out of many, a small girl born and raised in the suburbs of the Netherlands, blessed with the opportunity to believe whatever the hell I want.
So, what is the meaning of life? Cue back to title.

We have a choice, either to let life get us down when it's hard. to be negative and cynical when it won't go as imagined. Or we put time in being positive for our own good, explore and follow our own paths and be free of a future plan, just go with it. If you mapped out the road to follow, you might miss out on some amazing experiences.

That's how I see it anyways.

To end in Christmas spirit: it's ok not to be perfect, we learn through our mistakes. And on that note, what fun would life be if you couldn't learn and evolve?

Merry Christmas everyone!

Love,
Anouk

Do it already!

Alright alright!

Practice makes perfect they say. Now in my case practice makes less embarrassing, but as I am incredibly impatient and need to do stuff right away or it won't happen at all, I'm going to do this anyways.
Recording my own songs.

I've got two, tomorrow will be recording day. Why tomorrow? Well, 'cause today the awesome HD ready camera is still with my parents, and since I moved out I no longer have it at hands reach.

Hope to be uploading before Sunday!

Also, I just have to do my own version of Taylor the Latte Boy.

3 songs in one day.
Will I succeed?
Well, I just have to.

Love,
Anouk

P.S. Trying to be productive in bed never works out. The bathroom is literally next door and I don't feel like leaving this bed. To comfy, to lazy.

A little poem

Woke up some day a little less broken
The time had come for me to be safe
The fog had made way for fields shining golden
The sun had decided that this time he'd stay

My stars were colliding and rearranging
To make way for fortune that'd carry me home
Demonic smiles decorated the hallway
But they could no longer hurt me
Because now I feel whole

Sparkling lights light up my sky
I see a millions miles from here with the naked eye
I dreamed to big for one so small
But I found something to break my fall
I'll fly
No longer scared to try my wings
I'll cry
Of happiness with tears of joy
I'll try
To be my best at every point
All on my own terms,
I feel as whole

Love,
Anouk

Just keep swimming

I can relate to Dory (from Finding Nemo). I'm such a chaotic individual most of the time..

On that note, I moved out!
Whoop! Moving on, first time out of the parental home and on my own two, maybe somewhat unstable and unsure, feet!

Is this a scary thing? Kind of, but also the most logical step after wanting to move on at the age of 22. My parents did their job raising me, I'm independent enough to make it on my own and for the moments that I'm not, my parents are just a phone call away.
Awesome.

I moved out this weekend, and I never really handle those situations well. I know why, I don't plan ahead far enough. This time I really tried, but somehow I always forget to arrange and organize half the stuff that is really necessary. Like I do all the time, every time. It's like I miss a certain skill, you might know it as: 'Preparation'. It's never been a strength of mine, and I thought that was my own doing.
For example, I never prepared anything in advance. Unless if one hour or the night before count as such.
So when I finally started to try and turn this around into me becoming a well behaving and fully functioning human being - it did not get better. Maybe somewhat better, but somehow everyone around me knows things and comes up with scenario's naturally and I just stand there in awe.
Planning is just not my thing, I'd rather just go with it.

And so I did. Thankfully the whole moving thing didn't turn out to be a disaster, it was just very exhausting. But I'm alive and kicking, so it couldn't have been that bad.

I'm writing this from the same bed that I mostly write from, only in a different city, in a different room. One step closer to my imagined home city of Amsterdam.
I haven´t really had the time to sit back and enjoy my new surroundings, I´ve been in the shop working non-stop, but a day from now I'll have my first day off in this new home of mine. I can't wait to drink my coffee and relax!

With my amazing daddy, painting and fixing my room!

and myself..

First meal: a very simple (GF) pasta with wine. Nothing much,

but it filled our bellies right up after a day of vigorous cleaning.

Celebrating moving out with my friends ♥

Gingy moved out with me and behind me proof of my love for lights..

 I surely have got my priorities straight.

This little fella welcomed me home. Butterflies represent change, accurate or what?

Love,

Anouk

Never look back

No really, do not scroll down on your facebook feed.
Because unless if you were totally fucking awesome as a teen, it's a trip down memory lane you might want to avoid taking.

Embarrassment comes to mind. Trying to find out what to post, therefore posting useless things. Your memories of Facebook on your birthday, how many people took the time to congratulate you? Ah, that's too bad.
Oh come on, you really feel a teeny tiny sting when you get only 40 birthday wishes out of 250 'friends'.

Yeah, your online popularity can make you feel great and really sad. Which, to be honest, is kind of stupid.
Why would we be happier if someone took the time to hit 'like' on their spare moment? Or if they wished you a happy birthday because they simply saw it was that day, and why the hell not wish you a happy day.

Now of course I used to let this determine or have an influence on my mood, I was socially needy not to long ago. But as I'm getting older, preferably also wiser, I'm hopping towards 'actual contact with real life friends' rather then 'sporadic notifications of virtual beings you once met in person'.
They're simply not worth the mood swings.

So a little note to self:
Most of us share highs because lows are simply better to keep for yourself. Do not compare your entire being with others happy and beautiful moments, instead try to enjoy your own to the fullest.

You know it's a good party when you forget to grab your phone to share with the online community :)

So on that note,
I'm giving my second radio interview today! Also, I will be having my first rehearsal with the orchestra I will be performing with in January.
And I'll be busy repainting the organic supermarket I work at for the other hours of the day, to put things in perspective.

Love,
Anouk

To us aunties and uncles

Please raise your hand if one of your siblings reproduced.

Congratulations, you're screwed.

Or it might be just me. My sister gave birth to a wonderful little, squirmy thing less then two weeks ago and I am head over heels in love with the little fella. He's just so incredibly beautiful and somehow recognising my sisters features in his face makes him so familiar! I didn't even know him 12 days ago!

Weird how that works, taking a new person up in the family. It's as if he's always been a part of it.

But yeah, I'm screwed. I'll do anything for the kid, and as I am his aunt and not his mother I can spoil him to the point where he becomes a brat about it!
I won't of course, but I could..

Little Jamie, you're the most beautiful little creature in the world. I couldn't be more proud of your mommy and daddy!

Love,
auntie Anouk

Incoherent as fuck

My mind that is.

But things are falling into place. With my eating disorder finally mostly out of the way - I can actually eat my guilty pleasures in front of others while enjoying them, big step! - it seems to me that my life is taking a more productive form.
Or it might be just me accepting offers instead of declining them all the time.

Anyhoe, I'm fucking busy 24/7 and loving it!

Projects are coming closer and although I still have a million and one plans, somehow it seems as though these things will actually happen for a change. Because, you know, I'm actually doing stuff. Very important.

Some people seem to have it all figured out from the get go, clearly I'm not one of those people. I'm more an example of how anyone can become something as long as they are willing to work for it. I haven't had anything thrown at me but harsh criticism and rejections, yet I'm still standing and not giving up.
I believe in myself and that I can become the best version of myself if I keep on fighting to become that.

The fact that I am far from perfect makes it quite hard at times, but nothing has to stop you if you won't let it.

I was the only thing standing in my way, got rid of that.
No one will hire me because I'm never the type they're looking for, well one day I'll be the only one they were looking for.

You make your own succes, I'm very certain of that. Remember to be true to yourself and kind to others, life will happen anyways.

Needed to get that off my chest I guess :) Happy Sunday!

Love,
Anouk

MOVING OUT

Bonjour!

It. Is. Happening.

Moving house! Away from le hometown to the not so big city next to the real big city - Zaandam.
Which is next to Amsterdam > the real big city I was referring to.

Yeah, so that is happening and with all the extra hours at work and the fact that I recently got to picking up on my to do list for 2014 a.k.a. dating at least once, which turned into twice und so weiter, makes that I haven't had or taken the time to sit down and write.
I guess my head wasn't in it either. But I am back! And with exciting news.

I've been telling you over and over that things are starting to look up for me! But now I actually got proof.

First off - tomorrow. Looking for some new stuff to put in my house, always fun. Then - Saturday. I'm helping out a friend with her school project which involves musical. In fact, the project is a musical. And I finally get to be in on the making and creating side again a.k.a. telling people what to do. And I'm the oldest, so I have the power. Fun.
Third - another theatre based project involving Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliette, again on the creative team.
2015 - purrforming 😻 again with the orchestra. 3 songs. Fuck yeah.

And last but not least, as I am gaining confidence and since I decided that in order for me to really be able to sell myself to a point where I can benefit from it, I will try to keep you posted throughout my journey with posts, photos and videos! Because this shit might be fun.

I think this is it for now.

Love with sniffles,
Anouk

In love

It's been a crazy couple of weeks!

With a small set back on my eating issues, working non stop, having great times with amazing people and my sister giving birth to the most wonderful creature on planet earth I haven't found the time to write down even a small amount of words these past.. few days? I don't even know how long it's been!

Time is flying by.

Thankfully I'm learning what to appreciate and what to ignore. I first had to learn to feel again and now I have to learn that most feelings are temporary anyways, so they're not the most important thing in the world. It's important to be aware of how you feel about certain situations and people, but it can't be your only guide.
I'm all for following your gut feeling, but sometimes you need to let the bigger picture be your guide in making big decisions.

One thing I do know for sure is that I am in love. Head over heals from the minute I met him.
My nephew, Jamie.
His full name is James Aaron and my sister and brother in law made a beautiful mix of their genes with the little one! He is soft and beautiful and tiny and very much asleep whenever I get to see him, but that's ok. He's only 3 days old.
I just want to squish his little tiny cheeks and give him thousands of kisses, such a proud auntie, honestly words can't describe how I feel. I try to describe it, but I mostly fall silent and just smile :)

So yeah. Crazy, wonderful times.

Love,
Anouk

Verandering van spijs doet eten.

A post in Dutch for a change, regarding Sinterklaas sweets. And how sorry I feel for myself for not being able to eat them anymore. Think of your favorite holiday sweets and then finding out your body doesn't tolerate them anymore. That's where I am right now.
Crying.

Dus, we gaan verder in m'n moerstaal.
Ik heb eerder gepost over mijn angst voor een eventuele glutenallergie. Nu ben ik getest en de test was negatief dus ik dacht: Feest! Kom maar op met het Sinterklaas festijn! Want ondanks het hele pietengezeik (als we nog even doorzetten komt dit nieuwe woord straks nog in de Dikke van Dale!) bakt heel ondernemend Nederland al sinds juni peper- en kruidnoten om consumerend Nederland te voorzien van de knapperige, kruidige lekkernijen voor die tijd wanneer de 'R' weer in de maand zit. En die tijd is al lang en breed aangebroken.

Het verlossende nieuws kwam over de lippen van mijn behandelend arts en nadat ik wel al wist dat tarwe, spelt en mijn darmen geen vriendjes zouden worden - ik heb ondanks de afwezigheid van de allergie namelijk wel gewoon alle symptomen - hoopte ik dat andere graantjes wel kalmpjes door mijn spijsverteringskanaal konden varen zonder verdere klachten.
WRONG. Godverdomme, ik heb nog steeds last van mn sneetje roggebrood van gisteren.

Maar dit betekend dus ook dat ik onmogelijk zonder problemen van speculaasgoed kan genieten :( alles moet glutenvrij en glutenvrij is hoewel soms best goed te doen gewoon niet hetzelfde als het origineel.
Ik kan in kleine hoeveelheden best tegen granen, ik hoef niet net zo streng te zijn als mensen met coeliakie (de goden zij geprezen) maar ik kan helaas niet meedoen in de feestvreugd.

Aan al mijn mede glutenintolerante Nederlanders, het spijt me. Laten we even een moment nemen om in een hoekje te kruipen en te huilen.

Gelukkig ook nog goed nieuws, ik ben vet goed in bakken. Op naar een bevredigende vervanging, I will succeed.

Conclusion in English, being the baker that I am I will find my gluten free substitute for these holiday sweets. And damn it, they will be crunchy and spicy and lovely.

Sorry, I get a little intense when feeling ill :P

Love!

Love

Currently filming some things of myself but this gem just needs to be shared. Naturally from the woman I've been admiring for over 7 years - the lovely and amazingly talented Sara Bareilles. Most awesome woman in current day music.

Cover of Sia's Chandelier 

Love,
Anouk

The spectator from afar

Dreams.

Big or small, it's highly likely that we all have them. Mine is rather... big. Huge could also apply.
I've talked about it before, I want to make a living out of performing. There is one teeny tiny problem - I have no clue how!
I watch all these people that have made it to where I want to be. I try to figure out what made them successful, I try to analyse their road to fame - because let's face it, in the performing arts some fame is necessary to be sure of a follow up job after one project is over - I try to become what is needed. But what is that?

On my road to self respect I've always kept in mind that this self of mine should be able to withstand some setbacks. Life is tough as it is, the performing arts can be brutal to those with an unknown name. As long as your name doesn't make people want to draw their wallets and get a ticket you're in for a long loooooong process.

Most of the time I am wondering what will make me happy and that is what I try to achieve, happiness. But this is what makes me happy, performing. It kills me that I'm not able to just jump on stage, entertain a whole lot of people and try to improve my performance over and over and over and over.

Quarter life crisis? I'm way ahead of you, it'll probably go right on in to my midlifecrisis.

I imagined another life at 22 when I was 17, the one I'm living takes some getting used to. But that's life I guess, it happens when you're making plans.
Once again I will try to be more in the moment and seize any opportunity that comes my way.

Keep you posted.

Love,
Anouk

The do and don't s with the human body

Carbs, protein, sugar, fibre. A long time ago these 4 nations lived together in perfect harmony. This was until the multinationals took over and stirred them up good. Nobody really remembers how to make a healthy diet packed with nutrients and vitamins, but I believe that when we stick together we can make the world and it's population conscious of their foods and how to nurture their bodies in a proper way!

See what I did there? Aw yes, food Avatar!

But all joking aside, I do believe this to be a very serious issue. People don't listen to their bodies anymore, or have forgotten (often never even learned) how to take care of their bodies in the most simplest of ways - with food. 

A diet high in natural vitamins, minerals, protein, fibre, unsaturated fats and - dare I even name them - sugar and carbs is really not that hard to follow, when you have the right information. And it is out there, for those who know how to find it.

That is where my new project comes in. I told you about the website me and my sister are currently making. What we want to do is provide people with the basics about food and make it fun and easy to become a healthier human being! After years of being insecure about my weight, my body and countless diets I am trough with cutting things away foodwise.
We will not be informing you on how to get ripped, skinny or incredibly fit, that is not necessarily a healthy body. Health to me is when your body and mind are in balance with one another, regardless of how thin your waistline is or how noticeable your six pack is.

I've been gathering more and more information on how the body actually works and with a degree in theatre I might be in a little over my head here! But I do believe that being passionate about something is half the job done, so who knows what this can become!

I will keep you posted :)

Love,
Anouk

P.s. first singing video recorded from my room will be arriving shortly. Let's see why those auditions don't get me anywhere. 

New adventures

Am I changing course?

I always had my mind set on only being on stage and that would be my job. But the older I get, the more realistic I have to be. It's hard, fulfilling your dream. My heart is still with the stage, that will probably never change, but I got a new exciting turn ahead of me.

Did I ever tell you that I'm a little.. obsessed with food? I know, I know, all the time. I found out that I have two passions - one being singing on stage and entertaining people, the other being creating food and telling people about why it's good for you and what delicious things you can use to treat your body in a good way. I took both passions in my hands and merged them together into one big and new adventure!

Me and my sister started a website a while ago with some recipes and a little info about food. This never really got of the ground as we didn't have a solid plan. But somehow our interests got spiked again and we both wanted a new concept to work with.
I've been changing my diet since December 2012. I was always very unhappy with who I was. I hated myself for being weak, always eating junk, always having excuses, not being true to who I was. I wasn't happy with whom I was becoming to say the least.

The first step to self improvement was my diet. I thought this was the root of my problems, turns out it was the outcome of what was actually hiding beneath the surface.
To keep a long story short, when I finally gave in to feeding my body proper foods I found the strength I was looking for all along.

A simple, healthy diet helped me becoming more confident about myself, gave me more energy to actually work hard and made it possible for me to feel good about myself and to accept and explore who I am.

I want others to have the same tools as me. I want people to know the value of good food!
So we've decided to go in that direction, educate those who want to learn about why we eat certain types of food, what food does to your body, how your physical and mental health can benefit from what you put into your system!
And the really fun part is that we're also going to make cooking video's! Which to me sounds like performing.

So I am very happy indeed about this new thing in my life! We'll see where it takes us. If I can only help the customers of the organic shop where I work, I'm already satisfied. As long as I can share and make people enthusiastic I'm ok :)

This turned out to be quite a long post after all, oops..

Thank you very very much for visiting my corner of the internet! Hope to see you here again!

Love,
Anouk

Gluten free or gluten full?

Recipe down below!

So I might have a problem with digesting gluten based foods. I get incredibly bloated, gassy and uncomfortable and these are just a few of my food related issues.
But I'm finally getting my test today.

Gluten allergy (celiac disease) runs in my family, sadly. My uncle has it and several of my family members have problems digesting certain types of granes. At first I thought my bowel movements were just incredibly restless. I'd make plenty of noise when the evening came around the corner and my body had to work my gluten based diet through my system. This all started to get worse when I hit 20. It started with just a simple rumble and some bloating. Then it gradually got worse.
A painfully bloated belly, rumblings throughout the day, feeling sick and tired, stomach ache and acid, mood swings, being easily irritated and never enough energy to get me through the day.
I never used to have these problems so I was wondering what the hell was wrong with me! I went to the doctors with all my complaints - several times, starting at age 16 - but nothing ever came out of that. It was just puberty or sleeping badly, or maybe even irritatible bowel syndrome. Nothing to worry about really.

So here I am, trying to rule out another option of 'what is cooking with Anouk'. I wholeheartedly hope that I don't have celiac disease!

On to the test. I had been eating gluten free for a while when I went to the doctor. She told me that in order for the test to work I had to eat gluten for at least a month so my small intestine could get irritated. Then they would take out a small piece of that to examine whether or not it had been affected by the gluten. If so, I have celiac disease.
If not, I have nothing to worry about apart from the fact that I really can't handle granes and then would not know why.

I will find out next Friday.

Right now I'm still in bed after waking up 2 hours ago. I'm not allowed to eat. And as breakfast is my favorite meal of the day I am bummed out to say the least. This also means I have to skip my cup of joe. That bums me out even more. And there is a new episode of Once Upon a Time waiting for me to enjoy it, but I can't without food. Or won't. Ugh.

So to get mentally satisfied in my hunger for good food I share with pride - my new soup recipe! I call it: 'Fall in a cup'.

Note to self

It's ok to take your time.

You're always rushing in your head. Even when you sit down you think of hours, days and years ahead.
Every person you meet might play a role in your personal sitcom,
Every story you write might be loved by those around you,
Every song you write has to perfect and original,
And you always try to grow with every breath you take.

But don't forget to slow down and appreciate the world around you. Those people in it? You can learn by observing them. Listen to their stories and learn how you see the world by taking their views in question. Do you agree with their ideals? Why or why not?

Don't forget to smile to others. Even if it's someone who is giving you a hard time let them and yourself know that with every bad thing that happens there will always be one person ready to make your day a little lighter, and it only costs you a smile.

Don't forget to take your time. When you're always running towards something you think is your goal, you might miss opportunities along the way. Life sometimes hands you sweets, stick out your hand and examine them. Take your time to pick your favorite, taste a view of them, look at them closely and pick your favorite color or smell or taste. Don't rush yourself into making decisions, you might end up with the nasty candies.

Don't be afraid to take it slow. You can't be everywhere at once anyways so enjoy your ride. You only take it once.
Make that cake you always wanted to make. Take that trip you always wanted to go on. Create the style you've always desired.

Enjoy exploring who you really are and don't strife for perfection but for fun and happiness.

Love

And I'm feeling good!

Hell yeah!

Will probably not feel this good in a few hours when my alarm will rudely wake me up far to early, but I'm having one of those nights where I don't want to sleep. To much going on in my head, to many things yet to be thought of, or to get excited about!

First off - I think my eating disorder is officially over! Fuck yeah, moving on to the next chapter of today's post -

Accepting oneself!

I feel like I'm finally getting ok with who I am. Who I really am that is and not the person I think others like to see.
I've been so obsessed with fitting into a certain box my entire life that I never took the time to discover who I actually am and what it is that I like. What are my beliefs? What do I find important, how do I want to treat people and how do I want them to treat me?
It might be very normal to be discovering this at the age of 22, I just feel free of my own judgement for once. And it feels amazing!

This got me thinking about how we like to put people in certain boxes and how we like these boxes to determine the world around us. It makes sense, so don't feel bad when you recognize yourself in this! It's a very safe thing to do, giving other people a place in a fictional group. We long to be a part of one anyways, so it's easier to think of people as larger groups of like minded individuals then every single one of them being very different. It makes behavior and thought patterns understandable for people outside of the 'group' and it also makes it very easy to decide where you like to belong.

There are the over-achievers - mostly very neat and together, stressful during exams and never happy with the end results.
The theatrical people - untidy, chaotic individuals with a very dreamy outlook on life, often very colorful and eccentric.
The business-man-type - married, very busy, glued to his phone and laptop and always accompanied by a cup of coffee. Or espresso, as that is real coffee.
The foodie - a hipster like individual, very active on social media, likes vintage clothing and interiors and never fails to snap a picture of their super(food) salad.

Sounds familiar? Social groups like these make it very easy to determine who the person whom you've just got to know is. What do you like? What do you wear? What spikes your interest?

But I believe that this is just a false imagination of security. Many of us are so much more than just one thing. No group can fully grasp the meaning of being who you are, there is always more! Try to fit yourself into a box, you probably can't. Why then put others in one?

I try to think of people as interesting individuals these days. Everyone has their own story and you can learn a little from each of them. Even if it wasn't intentional, maybe someone made a certain choice which you can't relate to. But if you ever find yourself in a similar situation you know that you can at least rule out one option!

I don't know, keep an open mind is what I'm trying to say I guess. I'm just figuring it all out on the go :)

Enough for now, I'm finally getting tired.
Hope you liked my epiphany!

Love,
Anouk

Them jibbers and active butterflies and being totally fed up

I'm many things at once these past couple of days.
Both terrified and excited, happy and sad, confident and humbled and just all over the place really.

Yesterday I got to perform in the local theatre - Zaantheater in Zaandam - for a new initiative from a director whom I got to know last year. I owe this man many things, I'm so grateful for what he does for me! Words can't describe how awesome it is when people give you chances, especially in this business!
My song was really well received, people came to me afterwords to congratulate me which is something that I'm always weirded out by, what can you do and say other than 'Thank you!' with a creepy ass enormous smile on your face?
Anywho, I did appreciate it very much :)
I also got a little thing out of it, but as that is not set in stone I don't like to spill what it is already.

On that note, I almost uploaded this blog this morning. Just before I went to my audition for the musical tour of 'Spot'. A tour which will go through the USA and Canada. I cannot tell you how badly I wanted that spot (haha, pun definitely not intended) because I really really badly want to act and sing in English! Somehow it feels better than Dutch.
But as always up until now, I didn't get in. Luckily I didn't get all lovey dovey about it, that would've been a bit harsh to read right now.
It just sucks.

I will never give up on trying to get there, I refuse to give in, but it would be nice if I could get in a show for once. I'm performing, yes, but I want to be on stage for more than a night, more than a week! I'd like to spent my time there for an entire season for once!
And fuck it, I'm good enough to be up there. Decide for yourself -

People - Barbra Streisand

The Girl in 14G - Kristin Chenoweth

It's what I do, it's what I love, it's what I live for. It just sucks to be rejoiced and rejected - total mindfuck.

But! This does mean that I get to perform with an orchestra - the same as in the 14G song - January 2015! And I'm going to perform a very exciting song.. it's a Disney original and very new. Aw yeah, I'm singing 'Let it Go'. My inner musical diva is very pleased by this.

Done with ranting! My ice cream is gone, my sadness is out of the window and I will keep my head up high and just keep going on with what I've been doing thus far. Which is doing whatever the fuck I want.

Love,
Anouk

P.S. The day after - I just needed to reassure myself of the fact that I do think that I chose the right path I guess :P Sharing some of my singing was way overdue anyways.
Drama has passed - moving on!

Tis the season to drink latte. Pumpkin spiced.

Fall is here!
And apparently, because I'm white, 22 years old and a girl, I should drink pumpkin spiced lattes. Or PSL's. Well I'm more than ok with that, cheers. - Idea > DIY Pumpkin spice latte! Because recipes are literally all over the internet these days. I can't actually buy canned pumpkin puree or pumpkin spice in Holland, so I have to come up with something for that.. this should be fun - to be continued.

Fun fact, I was in the paper! Fucking awesome. I didn't even know they used my picture!
To clarify - I'll be performing 'The girl in 14g' tomorrow at the very first official theatrical afternoon in our local theatre. I'm the 'newcomer', the one not yet discovered. And I'm so incredibly happy to be chosen to participate!

It is indeed all about networking after all. I'll post some more about that tomorrow as I can't show you anything yet.

Also, a new audition is on it's way! Monday I'll be auditioning for something very exciting. I don't want to say to much about it out of fear that I'll jinx it. I remain a tad superstitious.

And another also, I've decided to go back to my roots and upload videos of myself singing Disney songs. yup, I'm going there. Because I will forever more be a Disney girl first and foremost! Maybe I can give it a personal twist, let's explore.

More coming tomorrow and next week! This was more of an announcements post - hoped you liked it anyways!

Love,
Anouk

Yum ♥

Such a good girl, I finished my drink. Yay me. 

Sharing saliva - the do's and dont's

I'm a fan of YouTube. My number of subscriptions is growing every week, one might call me addicted. 

Anyhow, I just watched a video of Carrie Hope Fletcher (Itswaypastmybedtime) about kissing and how the right kiss is worth the wait. She asked all the older (same age or up) hopefulls (her subscribers) to react. 

So I tried. I love to share my thoughts on everything. But as always, I couldn't just keep it short. So I decided to write a blog about it instead! 

Carrie, you probably won't read this, I am going to put the link in the comments anyways and if you do read this - Hi, you're fucking awesome. 

Here goes -

Kissing, or that perfect kiss. Is it worth the wait? I actually never had the perfect kiss. I never kissed someone and lost myself in the action of doing that. I never had the courage to go up to a guy I really fancied - or the kiss of the guy that I thought I fancied didn't have the outcome that I expected it to have. I did however had some fun experiences. They weren't the best, they weren't mind blowing, but they were very enjoyable at times.
 
I think that there is no shame in a bad kiss. It's something we are very likely to want to explore as we grow up and as it is with many things, practice makes perfect. But there is more to the perfect kiss than the action itself. Actually it's not about the kiss at all, it's about the excitement of fancying someone and them wanting to be as close to you as you want to be to them. A perfect first kiss is very hard to come by, you will kiss in a way you think is nice. Maybe you like a lot of tongue, maybe you like there to be no tongue at all, you don't know what the other person favors so you'll just be two people locking lips trying to find a routine that works for the both of you. Now picture that without any feelings involved.. yeah.

If you really want a good kiss, go for the feeling not for the action. The action in itself is rather weird if you think about it, it's the butterflies in your stomach that make it exciting and worth the wait!

I'd be lying if I said I don't regret any of my kisses, I could've done without some of them. Nevertheless, the experiences were mostly fun and I learned a lot about myself in the process. Now I won't go around and tell anyone that they should kiss the first random person they meet - I always thought about myself first and tried to be as respectful to myself as possible. I had trouble with saying no sometimes because I didn't want the guy to feel weird or embarrassed, those are the times that I should've respected my instinct and said 'No'.
But the other kisses that were just 'eh' were ones that made me realize what I look for in a kiss. Were they good? Not necessarily. Does that mean that I should have waited for the right guy? Not necessarily.

What is kissing really, it's something we do to figure out whether we really like the other person or not.

So as long as you don't just kiss for the experience of kissing I think you're ok with a bad kiss or two. We shouldn't be to hard on ourselfs to wait for the perfect one, it puts a whole lot of pressure on a very small thing.
Remember to enjoy and keep your own well being in mind - who knows, it might be the guy (or girl) you least expect it from.

Love,
Anouk

Ahhh, l'amour ♥

Achievement unlocked - 10 mile race

Awww yeah, in 1 hour, 33 minutes and 25 seconds! Which is slower than last year, but I didn't want to race on any sort of clock this year - I wanted to enjoy the experience.
Which I did. The first kilometers were over before I knew it. The last were the tough bit.

It wasn't my best race ever, but that's ok. I had an evening out with my colleagues last night so I might not have gotten a good amount of sleep, I didn't prepare this one as good as any other and I was nauseous the entire route. Oh well, worse things can happen.
Some 24 year old guy died right after he finished, I can't begin to tell how shocked I was when I heard. If a not so perfect race is all that I had to deal with today than I am more than okay with that.

Goes to show how fragile life actually is.. it could be over like that. Seize the day never seemed more accurate.

I wanted to write something else as well in this blog - however, I forgot what that was. So I'll just share today through pixels.

I am loving the views btw! I've been seeing more countries pop up in my statistics and I'm a little overwhelmed by the fact that I do get daily visitors these days :D
Thank you so so much, I hope you like my writings!

Beautiful, beautiful Amsterdam, how I love the

Runners, runners everywhere!

Just before we started at 11.56 a.m!

And just after I finished at 1.30 p.m.

Sweaty as fuck, but happy as a child!

Love,
Anouk

Slower pace

Aaaaaaaaaand breathe out - pffffffff

That is how I feel these days. I'm feeling so much better! No more stressful thoughts on my body, my work, my life in general basically. Just me and my happy bubble of energy.

I like to enjoy life. One of the ways that I do that is by food - when I tell you why something tastes good you want to eat it as well. Which also makes me very good at selling the freshly baked products in the shop!
I like to enjoy it through music and writing. Sometimes just when I'm alone, other times with people around me to share why we love it.
I like to enjoy life with friends. My group of friends and my family are the most generous, kind and amazing people! I'm so lucky that these people are around me on a daily basis, they stood with me through all times - tough and happy ones - and I'd do anything for them as well.

I've been on an eyeopening journey these last few months and I'm finally accepting myself for who I am. With all my flaws, with my sweet tooth, my temper, my laziness.
And it has been working it's charms for me. The moment I started to release my 'control' on the situation - read convulsively holding on to what I wanted but never seemed to get - things cáme to me rather then me asking for them.

All I did was accepting myself and everything around me for what it was. Accepting that you have to live in the moment because you don't know what will happen next. Accepting that it is ok not to know everything - we are here to learn anyways.
And also accepting that I don't fit in with the fast paced crowd. I need to take my time, I need to enjoy and observe the world around me and the people in it.

We live in a society were we have to do so many things. We need to be grown up by the time we leave school, we need to know what we want and we have to know how to get it, preferably yesterday.

Well, no longer for me. Thank you, but no. I'll follow my own path. It might take me a while and it might be scary because I have to figure out everything myself, but as long as I stay true to who I am there shouldn't be a problem with that.


So, on that note I share with you my mantra:
- Have the courage to be yourself, believe in your strength and be persistent in carrying out what you believe to be true -

Hope you liked it, here is something to brake the seriousness of it all



Love,
Anouk

Logging a 10 mile in a week

I will! My second time around actually.

I've been training regularly again - at least 2 times a week - and although today wasn't the best run I've ever had, I had that one on friday, I do feel very confident about those 10 miles!
I'm going to run from Amsterdam to Zaandam, competing in the Dam tot Dam run! Not really competing as I'm just running for myself, but the stats will be up on internet and I do like to be better than some... ever competitive.

Here are finally some photo's of me pre- and post running and what I like to eat and drink after I finished running.

I'm not an early runner, mostly around 10.30 - 11.00 a.m. I tried, I really did, to get up early and start my day fresh and everything.. fact is, I am in no way a morning person and I need my coffee. But I do go for my planned runs, so I've got that going for me which is nice. 

Smelling those shoes! They stunk! Yeah..

How I claim to feel after running - how I actually feel.

Banananananannananananana ♥ Banana ice cream!

Slice a banana in chunks, put it in the freezer until frozen (apx. 60 minutes) put it in the blender
with an optional splash of whole milk and some vanilla extract.
Blend!
Finish it off with some coconut blossom nectar, cacao nibbs and frozen raspberries. Enjoy!

From my friday run - banana-coconut water smoothie with blue berries. 

So that's it for my first running post! It's a day of firsts apparently. Next time I'll prepare it a little better so I can actually give some info on how I train and what I try to do to maintain a healthy body!

Thanks for reading, hope you liked it!

Love,
Anouk

Material girl

I am currently drooling over the clothes on freepeople.com. This afternoon I was drooling over a woolen vest and one of those birdlike/feather bodywarmers.

I thought it might be time for my first ever lookbook!

Now bare with me, I'm no fashionista, just a lover of beautiful things. And being particularly fond of the bohemian look I thought I'd make this lookbook in dedication to freepeople! Because their clothes are just.. wow. I'm in love, material love!

Here we go - my fall/winter inspiration from freepeople!

First off - some essentials. ♥ the coat, but spot the coffee!

Talking about chilly weather essentials!

I Love love LOVE dresses - these are just perfect!

Nice and long, simple and beautiful

Poncho's ♥! Especially the knitted one - got to find me one of those

Love me some color :)

These would look perfect under my high rise skinny's or under my long skirt!

Lovely accessories

This outfit is just perfect!

All the clothes are from the new arrivals at freepeople.com - note that I'm just very enthusiastic about their clothes and just wanted to share what I drool over :) This post was in no way sponsored by freepeople - if only it were!

Hope you enjoyed this post! Let me know if you did.

Love,
Anouk

Never ending story.

No, not the one with the big, flying dog and the boy with his book in the attick. The one with my crush.

My dear god, it's like my life has him on hold! Whenever I think I'm done with thinking about him, swooning over him or whatever the hell you do when you have a crush on someone - Facebook stalking anyone? - he comes back into my life in the stupidest of ways. For example, by liking my freaking Facebook status.

I feel like a sad excuse for a woman.

And I already felt like that for many other reasons - another time, another blogpost - so this does not help. I am back to staring at the green dot next to his name.

Inner dialogue: "Online!! He is online!! Now let me see if I can get him to talk to me by staring intensely at his name - and GO!"

Did it ever work? No. Will it ever work? Probably not. But I have this insane side to me which looks at everything from the sunny side up. Freaking unicorn babies and pink fluffy clouds surrounded by rainbows sunny side up. My sarcastic side never approves. I feel like a mentally retarded Llama every now and then, but I guess that is just what hormones do to you - they make you loose your sanity.

And again I stop writing early on because I have to go to work in the morning.. I should get better at planning these writing sessions with myself. It's just that I enjoy writing in the evening and I really need my sleep because my days are 11 hours long.. from 8 a.m. in the morning till 7 p.m. I will again be standing on my feet, greeting customers and telling them all about how organic foods are the best thing for your body. And organic cleaning supplies best for nature. And your body. And everything really.

Love,
Anouk

P.S. something I've been wanting for a long time now is a 'stage name'. A name that is not my own, as Anouk is a well known name in the Dutch entertainment industry - there are already so many of us there.. I finally found one that is kind of sticking with me. Noa Lane. I might be using that from now on.

Alternative ending to blogpost:

Love,
Noa

I found this gem om 9gag - accurate

'When you spot your secret crush'

Festival!

♥ them.

I haven't been to many this year, but the ones I've visited were lovely! The people, the music, the food - although it isn't as healthy as I'd like :) - it's all about having a good time and people around you are there for the exact same reason.
As a picture says more than a thousand words, here is my festival experience 2014 - enjoy!

#1 Geheime Liefde - Utrecht

 #2 Bevrijdingsfestival - Haarlem

 #2 With my lovely friend

#3 Lief Festival - Utrecht

 #3 Main stage

 #3 My gorgeous company  ♥

 #3 Other half of my gorgeous company!

 #3 Fresh waffles with Nutella and strawberries.. 

#3 Being creative ♥ and my rings of course

You just wait and see.

Joan Rivers. Never liked her. I know we're supposed to be all good and lovely about the dead, but the woman was mean.

I'm watching her documentary as I'm writing this post and I still think that she was mostly mean, not funny - or mostly funny be it very mean at many points. But that was who she was and she stayed true to herself, I can admire that.

As someone who wants to be on stage herself I thought watching a documentary like hers was mandatory - and I was right. To hear an artist of 75 - at that time - say that showbusiness is a business of rejection and that you get rejected throughout your career is somewhat reassuring to me. That means that I'm on the right path.
I've been getting rejected over and over and people around me have sometimes been handed opportunities. It's a hard thing to witness and sometimes even harder to not be to hard on yourself. (grammar mind fuck!) I am always genuinely happy for friends who get jobs in the business because I know how tough it can be and how being in that particular part of the world can make even the most confidant person an insecure little puppy at times, but it's not you. You can't change anything about it. It just wasn't your time and place.

That is not a fun thing to realize, but it's something I had to learn.

Some celebrity stories make it seem like that once you've hit the stage in a good production opportunities will come knocking on your door while you push against it from the inside because the admiration is just to overwhelming.
Well that might be the Friday night special where they put a lovely filter over the truth because, with some exceptions, that just ain't true. It's called a job for a reason.

To all the struggling entertainers out there, we truly must never give up our dreams. There is a stage for everyone and an audience that will like the way your brain works. Whether you're a writer, musician, youtuber, painter, dancer, actor, filmmaker, comedian or any type of entertainer that I failed to mention, if you really have the talent you can't allow yourself to give in to that rejection. It takes a strong human being to believe in yourself after everyone has told you 'no'. They are simply wrong and the first person to agree with you is the one you have to allow yourself to believe. They saw your talent, they spotted your drive - they give you a reason and hopefully enough courage to search for the next 'yes!'.

All those 'no's' in between should be considered white noise. Very annoying and distracting, but it can be turned off if you switch to a different channel.

Yeah, I'm such a philosopher at times. Comparing stupid people to televisions.

So, point here being - Fuck you naysayers, I will succeed.

Love,
Anouk

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The Sims are coming.. again..

As a true simmer - I've playing the damn game since 1999 - I can't be anything but absolutely psyched about the very near release date of the Sims 4. Also, as a true simmer, I got the preload. which basically means that the game is ON my laptop, I just can't play it yet.

And that is one mean trick EA! I. Can't. WAIT! Sooooo excited :D

On that note, this friday I will not be doing anything but playing Sims and ok, I'll take out a few hours to help my sister and brother in law to move to their new house. Where they are going to raise their baby. Who is currently in progress, happily growing in my sisters belly. I might be more excited for that. Just a bit.

Is it the 4th already?

Slacker.

By that I mean me.

I haven't had so many ideas for my blog lately! Or let me put that differently, I had ideas.. just didn't do anything with them. I have some lists lying around, some would call them 'to-do lists', I call them 'write-down-the-things-you-should-do-and-then-lose-the-list lists'. Now, I've never been a star in completing my goals, but as I am getting gradually better at it, I start noticing where it all went wrong before.

First off, I tend to forget things I actually don't want to do way faster then the things I do want to do. Gee, I wonder why that is. For the sharp reader, the sentence above implies that I forget basically everything. And I do. Luckily there's an app for that now. And when I don't forget to put my to do activity in my Any do app, my phone will happily remind me that I need to perform some kind of activity. That silly loyal Samsung of mine, such a trooper.

Second, I still procrastinate. Procrastination is a sucker to beat. Because it sort a feels good to know that you have stuff to do, but as you have 'got tha powah' over your life, you can do whatever the hell you want. And when you want to watch a movie (or television show - ok ok, the entire series in a week) rather then doing that thing you said you would do, well then you have to watch that movie first! Who knows what you might miss if you don't! And that thing you said to do can wait, Jon snow can't. After all, he knows nothing.

Third, cut the crap. Start writing.
1. My first feature film
2. Miniature holiday
3. That damn writing challenge! Part deux.
4. My second one woman show
5. Something food related
6. My 10 mile race

Six ideas. Let's start writing!

I'm off to snore land, night night.

Love,
Anouk

Getting out of bed.

In a MINUTE!

I want coffee.

I solemnly swear..

So, here we go. I have an eating disorder.

There, it's out.

I'm currently being treated for it and things are really getting better! Except for those days where there is no control or things didn't go as planned. Two days in a row things haven't been going as planned as at it turns out, I can't really handle those situations yet. It can be pretty tough trying to beat this nasty habbit and way of thinking, but I am more then certain that I will overcome this stupid thing.

I've been sharing my problem and as it turns out there are so many other people facing the exact same problem! And to be honest, I'm not surprised. There is a daily pressure to look good and eat healthy, but you're also being seduced to buy that sugary treat on your way to work and on the way back home. I sometimes feel as though they (the people who make the commercials) try to mold our way of seeing ourselves.

'You think you are beautiful and don't need to lose weight? Think again! You can try to become an even better version of yourself!'

I used to believe that and beat myself up for every bag of chocolates, cookies, bucket of ice cream that I ate. And of course, one does not need to eat an entire bag of m&m's in one sitting, that's just not so good for the stomach. But if I wanted to, and I gained a pound after eating more on a daily basis - then how I feel about myself is important, not what others might think of my more voluptuous body. I am exaggerating, obviously, but that is what I think these days.
Other people are not allowed to make you feel a certain way about yourself. If you are happy with how you look, then that is the most perfect version of yourself.
If you are happy with who you are, then you don't have to change your inner self for anyone.
If you're unhappy with how you look or who you are then change for yourself, never for others. You are the only one who is going to be there 24/7, make liking yourself a priority! Others will follow if you follow your heart and be true to who you are naturally.

In my case, I was getting a little overweight as a teen and this didn't feel like me. I had low self-esteem issues and instead of asking for help, I held my head up high and turned to food. This made my relationship with food very hard and unhealthy. I love food, as a foodie I have to :) but it wasn't until this year that I started liking it again.
I've been through all the stages, I've followed several diets - which naturally didn't do anything for me but make me more anxious to lose weight - I've started exercising to tone my body, I've read all there is to read on healthy foods, low fat diets, sugarfree eating, high protein  diets, muscle toning, bowel stimulants, basically everything that would make my outer self look like the picture in the magazine.

Doing this broke me up on the inside because it didn’t fix my low self-esteem, it didn’t fix my urge to turn to food whenever emotions were getting to high. Luckily, after a while I started to get fed up with feeling bad about myself. I set the bars so high that I couldn't live up to my own expectations! This is when I finally went to my parents and came clean about wanting and needing help.

I always thought that asking for help and letting people know you're not perfect was a weakness, now I know that it takes courages for one to open up about personal troubles and to admit that they can't do it alone. There is no measure for what strength is or what courage means. We are all individuals with our own capabilities. My strength is different then yours, that doesn't make my strength any less strong - it just makes it different.

My end note here is, dare to be who you are. Let your inner self shine through your outer, because that is what makes us beautiful - accepting and being who you are.

Love,
Anouk